I’ve written this, what feels like a million times in my head.
Crazy how my last post was so long ago and all about Chris and I can no longer have anymore biological children. Well– since that last post, a lot has changed.
We have a sweet new babe in the house.
We are temporarily caring for this sweet babe.
Foster care, or in my case “kinship fostering,” is not something I could have imagined we would take on. Without giving too much detail (because I can’t), we have taken the responsibility of her primary caregivers for an unknown amount of time. She came to us at 2 weeks old and since then it has been a whirlwind.
I remember when B was little– my first few months with her were sweet, tender, and basically a cycle of naps, diapers, bottles, and cuddling. My life with this sweet babe, whom we will call “Little B,” is nothing different in that aspect– except this time around I did not get nine months to prepare for her arrival, I am going to school, I am learning a trade to create a business of my own, homeschooling B, and raising B. This time around it is a lot different for me. With so many obligations and me pursuing my dreams and goals– I have to take a pause. A pause to focus on raising this sweet precious babe that has been entrusted to us. I have to take a pause from all the things that will be there for me later– to just love her. To give her the same amount of love and attention that I give B. To pour into her all the love we have.
Biologically Little B is not mine– but she doesn’t know that. She doesn’t know that my life was filled with busyness and tons of obligations. She doesn’t know that I am not an early riser and a night owl. She doesn’t know Chris and I like to go out and try new restaurants around town (more than we should). She doesn’t know that I spend all my time with my B and that we like to go shopping and hang out for hours on end. She doesn’t know that I am pursuing my education and trying to own my my own business. Nope– she doesn’t know any of these things.
I will tell you what she does know…
She knows that she was taken from her mother. She knows that she no longer hears her heartbeat. She knows that she needs love. She knows that she needs cuddles. She knows that she needs constant comfort. She knows that she needs reassurance that she is being cared for and wanted. She knows that she needs to look over from her bassinet and see someone there. She needs to know that all her needs are being met and then some.
And I know that want to take care of her. I know that I want to comfort her… love her… care for her.
I don’t know what her future holds. If you know me, I don’t do well with unknowns and variables. I like my life to be in constant control. I want my life to be exactly how I plan and anticipate.
But God has other plans.
I do not know what the future holds. I do know that she was entrusted to us to love.
Love big. Love grand. Love with everything we have.
I will love her and care for her like she is my own– even with the possibility she might not always be ours. That is okay. I will not hold back my love and affection out of fear of us getting hurt. I will not close off my heart to protect me. We have been called to LOVE. I will do this without reservation. I want B to grow up seeing what selflessness really is. I want B to know first hand that she can make a big impact in this world. I want B to feel so deeply for another person’s need that it calls her to action.
B sure loves her “Little B.” She knows that one of these days she might not be with us– and my big-hearted beautiful babe always reassures me that “As long as we love her, that is all that matters.”
It isn’t easy. Having to do this all over again, is by no means easy. But we’ve been blessed with “easy” long enough and it’s okay to be stretched. And boy, am I being stretched. She is a high needs baby– when B was the easiest kid ever. She doesn’t like to be put down while B was better at being in the swing or on a play mat. You have to do everything exactly how she wants it while B was a little more chill. So… this is work. A lot of work but a labor or love. I love that sweet baby that should be waking up at any moment. I love her smiles and her coos. I love when she sees me in the morning and gets happy and starts kicking her legs and flinging her arms around. I love when I smell her in the morning and she still smells fresh from her bath that night before. I love how cute she looks with a pacifier in her mouth. I love how she stares at me when I feed her. I love how when she sees me enter a room she arches her back and complains until I pick her up. I love when I wear her and I can kiss the top of her head a million times.
I love how she lights up when she sees B and tries to full on belly laugh when she talks to her and dances for her. I love that B is always wanting to help me with her. I love that she is always wanting to hold her and entertain her. I love laying her in B’s bed right before bed time and we all sit and laugh-talk-and pray.I love when Chris has her and baby talks her. I love when my mom cuddles her. I love when my family gets so excited to see her. I love that doing this all over again is reminding me of moments with B when she was baby that were lost in my sea of memories. I love when, late at night, I look at pictures of her and think that all the work and putting my life on pause is so worth it. I am doing something good. Only good is happening here. This is about pouring love into a little person– being stretched into a better person– denying my selfishness– and doing good.
Only good is happening here.