I know that I will have some explaining to do– as I write this I know that it won’t make absolute sense because you don’t know the back story but I will have to save that for another time.
I woke up and it was raining last Saturday. I had beat the sun that morning because I needed to study a little more for one of my midterms. Math. Ugh. I hate math. I am so bad at it. I have to strain every atom in my brain to barely achieve an A. A low A at that. I am talking, 90.1%. Okay… moving on. So– I was up early. It was raining. My intention was to get to a testing center as soon as it opened so I could take my test and then rush home to get B ready for her dance pictures. I wanted to ask El Hub to drive me because it was across town and the rain was pretty gnarly. I wanted to– but didn’t. I didn’t want him to have to wake up B to take me because I knew that she was going to have a really long day.
It just so happened my dad was in town. I have two of them. One is considered my step-dad and one is considered my biological dad. The biological one was in town. The step-dad who I just call “dad” lives in my city. He raised me and my siblings since I was six so for me to even write “step-dad” is weird to me. He is just… my dad.
I didn’t feel comfortable driving in the rain and that distance but I couldn’t ask my dad that lives here to take me due to an obligation that he has to his church every Saturday. So I asked my dad that was in town. I awkwardly texted him:
“Hey– are you up?”
“I am sorry to even ask– can you take me to my test. I am nervous in the rain and it is far.”
Of course he said yes. I was glad to not have to drive but we had only reunited three years ago and he lives in another city so things between us are still pretty awkward. We aren’t usually alone. I have my amazing husband and wonderful daughter as a buffer to avoid the really weird circumstances that can occur with such a new and naturally strained relationship. I got in the car and the air was thick with silence. The awkward silence. The silence was so quiet yet screaming in my ear. I tried to fill it with small talk. I started to feel indebted to him. I started feeling like he didn’t have to do this for me. I started feeling like I shouldn’t have asked him. I felt like I should have drove.
We arrived. I took the test.
He was waiting in the car as I came out of the building. He opened the door for me.
I sat down. Took a deep breath and remembered who I was…
Even though he decided to not be apart of my life for twenty-something years… That was not my fault.
When I was a little girl and cried because I felt abandoned… That was not my fault.
I do not owe this man a single thing.
I am not indebted to this man.
Him leaving was.not.my.fault.
I will not sit silently–
“Dad, I am thankful you came and took me. I know there are some things we have to work on. I feel that you need to seek counseling to help heal yourself like I have so we can have a better relationship. I know that it is hard for you to be apart of my life because I am an active reminder of your guilt and shame. I get that I say things that are hard for you to hear but I cannot be silent at the expense of myself. I have gone too far and have done too much to regress to an unhealthy me.”
I will not sit in awkward silence; with a jaded smile and glazed over eyes– just grateful he is even back in my life. He has to do the work. He has to give 100% because although he cannot make up for lost time… all hope it not lost for something new. I have forgiven the man that didn’t choose us. And I have let go of the notion that it was ever my fault.
Healing is beginning. It is not easy. Never one line going up. Always a windy road of sadness, sorrow, happiness, laughter, and maybe some awkward silences. I don’t know what awaits me when my biological father and I get to a really good place. I don’t know what that looks like, but I am excited. I pray that God strengthens me to be kind, strong, and ever-forgiving.
I hope I can offer encouragement to anyone that may be experiencing the same thing.I will share more as I continue with this blog. I think it is a great thing for me and my continued healing. Thank you for reading xo