B has always been really inquisitive. She says things that are immensely profound for a five (soon to be six) year old.
She doesn’t notice race, clothes size, or never uses words like “ugly” or “fat.” She truly believes every single person is beautiful and celebrates peoples differences. She makes me really proud.
And in my hardest of moments, she shines bright for me– to help me through
I made a very important decision for myself recently.
I have decided that it is best for me and my mental health and heart to not allow my biological dad to be apart of my life.
(To set the scene to what happens next: I do not cry often or get overly emotional in front of B because she does have such a tender heart and feels so deeply, I would never want to worry her or put too much on her so she could only sense that I was hurting)
I explained to her that I had to make a choice for me and her and being that my biological Dad was very inconsistent, that it wasn’t healthy for him to be in our lives.
She crawled into my lap and said this…
“I do not think that Grandpa was prepared to be a Daddy to you when you were little. I do not think that he was prepared to be a Daddy to you now and I do not think that he was prepared to be a Grandpa to me now. I know that he loves you and me but he just makes bad choices.”
Yes, she said that. Just.like.that.
I always kiss her ouchies, reassure her when she is doubting herself, encourage her, praise her, and make her feel brave. I am her mother. That is what I do.
Today she did that very thing for me.
Those eyes of hers reassured me that it is “okay.”
That my decision was the right one and that it is “okay”
I won’t ever be happy with not having my dad in my life but “okay” isn’t bad either. I cannot control him. I can only control my actions, my reactions, and make my own decisions based on what is best for me.
It is my decision to maintain my healthy state of mind.
It is my decision to set the example for my daughter that not all relationships add value and to the ones that don’t, no matter how hard it may be, do not have a place in your life.
I do not know what the future holds for my dad and I but I know that he made his decision and I made mine and I will be…
better than okay because I have a wonderful life full of love that I am so grateful for.